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This Page - Gay Christian, Gay Christians, Lesbian Christians open advice letters on my husband is gay, sex outside a relationship, and more.
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(Common Letters And Replies: What Is Gay, Understanding Scripture, Gay Stereotypes, Is Change Possible, Coming Out, My Spouse Is Gay, Battered Spouse, Sex, Relationship, Masturbation, Pornography, Finding A Church, Afraid Of Rejection, Being Found Out, Does God Reject Me, My Parent Is Gay, A Spouse Leaves, Church Problems, Ben You’re Cute, etc.)
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Gay
Christian Online
Michelangelo
"Ignudo"
Sistine Chapel |  |
 receive letters from all over the world. I personally answer every letter I receive, positive or negative. You may write me if you wish, I welcome your letters.
| Many letters I receive are requests for information or referrals to resources, requests for advice on life, questions from people trying to understand themselves and others around them; sometimes I just get letters from people hurting, needing someone to listen and care. |  |
I also receive mail from people who show respect in their disagreements. Sadly, some other letters I receive are not very respectful.
 o, I decided to share with you some of the common responses I give to people who write to me (their real names and detailed circumstances have been changed), so you might be able to learn and grow from them as I have.
Whether to you who are supportive, you who have troubles, or you who don't understand or oppose: I electronically wash your feet.
Peace and Hugs. Thanks. Ben
| More people arrive at this page than just about any other page of this article. I guess it is because of search engines, and word terms. If this is you, welcome. This is a website for Gay and Lesbian Christians. This article is on Gay Christian Open Letters. It would be better if you began at the first page, Gay Christian Open Letters, Page One, and then arrive here. |
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Dear Ben,
Wow, I visited your site and it was such an encouragement to me. I really appreciate what you have written, especially your views on holiness, and walking in Love in our sexuality. I just wanted to write and tell you this. I am a Gay Christian, and God is good. Brotherly hugs, Richard
Hello Richard,
How greatly I appreciate you and your letter. You found one of my weak spots. I don't take praise very well. I'm one of those persons who devotes my time to other people long before I would do so for myself.
When I decided to created a website, I just couldn't build one that was just pictures of me. So, I decided to share my testimony, how I met Jesus, how God changed my name, how I learned about Jesus' Love. Then, being a librarian, I thought I should share books and links I found valuable. Then, I thought I'd share my views on being a Gay Christian and Gay Dad. Things were quiet for a while, the e-mail began, the Web Site got picked up by Search Engines, the rest history; I didn't know people were talking about me, the "guy on Internet that loves Jesus and cares for us."
 Like any artist, I am never satisfied, tinker with it. I get frustrated with many sites on Internet or books; there's a lot out there, but not all of them good or which I feel will help people as much as I would like. I wish there was more out there and more I could do. But, I remind myself we are called not to do but to be; so, I just remain myself and let it be witness and help enough to others.
Every time I get a letter that says thanks for something I have either written in the web site or in reply to e-mail, it makes me want to continue with it another day. So, even though it's hard for me to accept your praise, your praise makes me want to continue to help and care, even when in the midst of rejection. Thanks for washing my feet. Peace and hugs, Ben
 | to praise me and make me uncomfortable. HaHa. |
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Dear Ben,
My husband came out to me, says he's gay. I don't want to lose him or our marriage. What do I do? Thanks, Mary
Dear Mary,
Thanks for writing and sharing. I appreciate it and you. On my links page, there is a link for a support network for spouses of gay people; contact them. You are not alone.
I know you have all kinds of thoughts running through your head: is my marriage a fraud? did he ever Love me? is it my fault? By experience, I can assure you none of these things are true. Your husband sincerely Loves you, is trying hard to Love and accept himself, and desires the best for himself and you. He is scared and insecure, needing Love and acceptance. He is human, just like you.
 You say you don't want to lose him. I don't want to talk about what you may lose, but what you may gain. Love, by definition, desires the best for people, for people to be all they are meant to be to their fullest measure and potential. Love sometimes tears down in order to build, removes in order to create anew. Sometimes we find it much easier to tolerate a less than perfect present situation than face a frightening unknown future. If it is best for you to divorce or stay together, that decision, when made in Love, will be God's best. "All things work together for good" for those who Love God and trust Jesus. Come to Christ, with all your hopes and fears, your tears and confusions. Lay them at Christ's feet, and leave them there. Trust Christ and Jesus' Love to find the best path for you and your husband.
You want to save your marriage, Love your husband, and take care of yourself; all the answers are found in God, because God holds the truer plan for both of your lives. So, it isn't what we want, or think we want or need, but what God wants, for Jesus knows best what we really need. God will not abandon you, and Jesus knows how important this is to you. I want you to gain the assurance and knowledge of the depth of Christ's Love for you and your husband, and Jesus desire to lead you into what is the best for you. Let go of your fears, and trust Jesus. Use Love as the measuring tool to determine what is best for you and your husband, what is God's will for you, what is right and proper for you all in the long run. Jesus will show you, will guide you. Stay
in touch and write me again soon. I wash your feet. Peace and hugs, Ben
See Also: Autobiography Gay and Married, Gay and Married, Books - Gay, Lesbian and Married, My Dad is Gay, Books - Gay and Lesbian Parenting, Straight Spouse Support Network, Families Joined By Love: Books, Resources, and Community for LGBT Families.
| to chat about being gay and married. |
 HOME
Dear Ben,
I've found out that not only is my wife bisexual or gay, but that she's been having sex with women. She says she wants to stay married to me, but still "be able to be herself." I don't want to lose her, but I don't know if this is right, either. Help. Thanks, Frank
Dear Frank,
Thanks for writing and sharing. I appreciate it and you. Until society fully accepts differences in sexual orientation, it shall generally continue to see such differences negatively; thus, those who are married often tend to dance
between two worlds. In the visible world, they have the acceptance from family, friends, co-workers, society, etc. in being "straight," and in the invisible world they dabble in their "other sexuality." They dabble secretly, on the side, lest by exposure they endure society's negativity.
Being gay, or bisexual is not determined by the gender to whom you are sexually attracted, but rather by the gender with whom you desire to abide with in relationship. This dabbling hurts her, you, and the women with whom she's having sex; this is not Love. Sadly, many people can't see beyond the sex, and that clouds them from the truer definition of relationship. Until such time she makes up her mind and decides to follow her truer self, she hurts you, herself, and those other women.
 True Love is a commitment, a decision, dedication and devotion; she has to choose where those lie. So do you. I cannot determine if you should continue married or not, only you, through the use of the Law of Love, can discern rightly. But, I can state clearly the limitations set on a marriage/partnership, for the Law of Love reserves the highest expression of sex within the guidelines of the Law of Christ, His Law of Love, and I believe that is best found expressed within a relationship.
If she is truly bisexual, then it means she is equally capable of relationship with either gender. If that means she loves and desires to remain with you, it means she should forsake sex with other women. If, however, she is truly gay, then only with a woman can she find lasting relationship, so remaining with you would only hurts you and her in the long run.
As you work through this, in your continuation of praying for and supporting your wife, you need also to take care of yourself. Christ will be there for you, to lead, guide, encourage and inspire you. God's best may take you places you don't expect, but those places will be perfect for you. My heart goes out to you. Please, write me again, let me know how things progress. I wash your feet. Peace and hugs, Ben
See Also: Sexual Compulsions, Sexual Ethics.
| to chat about sex outside a relationship. |
 | ext page for open letters on battered spouse, after a relationship ends, what if my church finds out I am gay... |
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