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This Page - Gay Christian, Gay Christians, Lesbian Christians open advice letters on battered spouse, after a relationship ends, what if my church finds out I am gay, and more.
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Gay
Christian Online
Michelangelo
"Ignudo"
Sistine Chapel |  |
 receive letters from all over the world. I personally answer every letter I receive, positive or negative. You may write me if you wish, I welcome your letters.
| Many letters I receive are requests for information or referrals to resources, requests for advice on life, questions from people trying to understand themselves and others around them; sometimes I just get letters from people hurting, needing someone to listen and care. |  |
I also receive mail from people who show respect in their disagreements. Sadly, some other letters I receive are not very respectful.
 o, I decided to share with you some of the common responses I give to people who write to me (their real names and detailed circumstances have been changed), so you might be able to learn and grow from them as I have.
Whether to you who are supportive, you who have troubles, or you who don't understand or oppose: I electronically wash your feet.
Peace and Hugs. Thanks. Ben
 HOME
Dear Ben,
My lover and I got in a fight, and he hit me. I got pretty bruised but I'm OK. He has a temper, and when he drinks he's not always right, and he gets angry and hits me sometimes. I really love him, but I don't know what to do for
him. Thanks for listening. Mark
Dear Mark,
Thanks for writing; I am always listening, and appreciate your sharing. Leave him. No ifs, ands, or buts; leave. Love sometimes must be tough, and I'm being tough. There is never justification for violence, except in self-defense. Don't be an enabler, making excuses for him. He's got problems, and he needs the space to take care of them. This is the best you can do "for him;" this is also the best "for you." Don't return to him unless he takes care of them, the causes of his violence and drinking, and then only with the deepest review. So, as soon as you finish reading this, get out a suitcase, pack, and leave.
 I know, I know, you're sitting there saying to me, "but, but, but...." No. Don't tell me you can't live or function without him, or are afraid of being out there alone. The only person you can't live without is Christ, and Jesus never leaves you alone. Trust me, and trust the Lord on this. Sometimes the best Love you can give a drunk who calls you in the middle of the night, asking you to come down and bail him out of jail, is to hang up the phone and go back to sleep.
To continually rescue him will never give him cause to rescue himself. Sometimes we have to let people fall off cliffs before they are willing to learn their lessons, receive our help, get right with their lives. Pack your bags, now, and move into another place, or with family or friends; battered shelters will help men, too. Write me when you get there. My prayers are with you. I wash your feet. Peace and hugs, Ben
 | to chat about physical abuse. |
 HOME
Dear Ben,
My partner of eight years left me. I'm doing OK, but I am lonely. I am in my 40s, and I don't think anyone will want me anymore. Gay people are so hung up on youth and sex. I hate bars, I hate having to start over. I am glad I have some friends, but I miss Luke. Thanks, Phil
Dear Phil,
Thanks for taking the time to share your heart; I greatly appreciate it and you. No break up is ever easy. I understand your loneliness, been there, done that. I am not an optimist, nor a pessimist, but a realist with hope.
Yes, much of gay culture is centered on sex, but it's no easier for our straight brethren, either. Most of the world doesn't look like the pretty people we see in the media; I don't know why we think it is the real world and our own is a fantasy. Reality tells me life begins where you begin it. Life may not always give you what you want, but you won't get anything if you don't try.
There are a lot of nice 40-year old gay men (or women, if you happen to be a woman reading this) out there looking for other similar men, you just have to be pro-active in looking for them. If God desires another partner for you, who knows, he may not come into your life until your 60. But, when he does arrive, it will be beautiful. You find a partner by not looking for him, by being focused on people and not on the search or your loneliness. Be yourself, open and transparent, and you will, with time, attract people of like mind and interests. From them may come friends, and from them may come some boyfriends, and from them may come your future mate, if it's God's plan for you to have one.
Lastly, don't rule out the bars. I don't like them, either, but often they remain some of the few places to meet people. Believe it or not, in bars are people just like you, who hate bars, and you can hook up with them, and then go elsewhere. Bars often list community activities in newspapers or on bulletin boards. There may be church activities, dinners, choral groups, bowling, card games groups, bookstores, coffee shops, etc. in your area or a city nearby. You be pro-active in finding them and moving on.
Lastly, what's this thinking no one would want you anymore? You lost a partner; you didn't lose your value, your inherent worth, your personality, gifts and talents, inner beauty, your dignity, your faith. You gain even in loss; if you ever and always see Christ, see in Him your strength, your value, and your future. I shall pray for you, and wish you the best. I wash your feet. Peace and hugs, Ben
See Also: Dating, Relationships, Gay Christian Dating and Relationships, Books - Gay and Lesbian Relationships, Relationship Links.
| to chat about starting over after a relationship ends. |
 HOME
Dear Ben,
My church preaches against gays. I've seen them reject and kick out people who are gay. I've been a Christian since a child, and I've always been gay. I'm 24. If they find out, I fear what they'll do to me. Sometimes I get so
discouraged. Your website helps. Thanks, Todd
Dear Todd,
Thanks for writing and sharing, greatly appreciate it and you. You're an adult, so why do you attend this church? What would ever compel you, for example, to live in the same house with a herd of pigs? So, what is the reason why you are willing to endure or be around people who reject you? Do you need to beat yourself up for some reason? Have some hidden need to be rejected,
reinforce to yourself you are not of worth? God forbid. I would be discouraged, too, if I was around people who hated me. Relationships should
be founded on Christ's unconditional Love, on trust and transparency. If you fear they will reject you if you come out, then what real healthy relationship do you have with them? Even if a child sins, a parent's Love is without
condition and continues. If they believe being gay is wrong, then Love would compel them to still Love and accept gays, try to work with them, not kick them out.
Love is our measuring tool to determine who we are, what we are to do,
and where we are to be. Use Love and apply it to your Church and let the Holy Spirit guide you about how you should relate to them. Perhaps, it would be best to move on to somewhere else, or maybe God, through the witness and Love of your life, may use you to bring about change of heart in them. Either way, you are called, as a Christian, to Love and accept them, to wash their
feet, even if they don't reply in kind.
 You are called by Love to be a light in a dark place, but you are not called to wallow in the darkness, nor partake of it. God calls you out of darkness and into Jesus' light, and then out of Love desire to take light back to the darkness. If the darkness rejects your light, they reject Christ, not you, and their real hearts are revealed. You have no need to fear, for Love casts out fears. If you are open and genuine, yourself totally and completely as God intends, then you will receive back open and genuine relationships. Christ said we would be hated and rejected for just being Christian, let alone gay. If you are openly and transparently Christian to them, I somehow feel they will reject you for that alone, long before they will for your being gay. Somehow, when you wash people's feet, such light and Love makes those who are less than genuine uncomfortable.
You need to surround yourself with light, with people who Love and accept you, encourage you to grow and mature, correct you when you legitimately need correction, and help you be the man God intends you to be. In so doing, your soul will be encouraged, your path open and clear, your heart and mind at peace, joyful, and full of faith. I wash your feet. Peace and hugs, Ben
See Also: The Gay Christian and the Church.
| to chat about dealing with an unfriendly church. |
 | ext page for open letters on my partner won't go to church, I'm afraid God will reject me, and pornography... |
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