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This Page - Gay Christian, Gay Christians, Lesbian Christians open advice letters on I'm gay and married, and more.
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Gay
Christian Online
Michelangelo
"Ignudo"
Sistine Chapel |  |
 receive letters from all over the world. I personally answer every letter I receive, positive or negative. You may write me if you wish, I welcome your letters.
| Many letters I receive are requests for information or referrals to resources, requests for advice on life, questions from people trying to understand themselves and others around them; sometimes I just get letters from people hurting, needing someone to listen and care. |  |
I also receive mail from people who show respect in their disagreements. Sadly, some other letters I receive are not very respectful.
 o, I decided to share with you some of the common responses I give to people who write to me (their real names and detailed circumstances have been changed), so you might be able to learn and grow from them as I have.
Whether to you who are supportive, you who have troubles, or you who don't understand or oppose: I electronically wash your feet.
Peace and Hugs. Thanks. Ben
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Dear Ben,
I am gay and married. I have kids. I have a nice home, job, family, life. I love them all, but I hate myself for being gay. I want to be me, but am scared to give up everything for it. Help. Doug
Dear Doug,
Thanks for writing. It is appreciated, and God and I appreciate you, too. Gay men remained married for a variety of reasons, children, financial security, social acceptance as straight, etc. Gay married men come up with a wide range of justifications and rationalizations for remaining married, and creative ways to remain married and gay, including having sex with men outside the marriage, rationalizing it isn’t adultery since its with a man and not a woman, etc.
Well, I am a Christian and I take a different approach. When you enter a relationship with someone, heterosexual or homosexual, you enter a contract or covenant with the person, and with that covenant comes responsibility, responsibility towards yourself, towards the other person, and the other person with him/herself and with you. This is showing Godly Love for one another.
 Marriage or partnership relationships are entered with the understanding that sexual relations are a part of it. Sex is a sharing within the relationship, it is not the relationship, but it supports and uplifts the relationship. This is showing Godly Love in the expression of that sexuality within the relationship. Now, there are some marriages or partnerships that are entered where sex is not possible, i.e. illness, physical handicap, etc. even then, for a good and healthy relationship, there is generally and usually some form of affection expressed physically.
We are body, soul and spirit, these three in one, just as God is Three Persons but one God. All must be in harmony with each other. All parts are to be in harmony with the other, no one part exercising control over the other parts, or outshining the others. All three must be in submission and walking in Love with each other.
If you are going to be in relationship with someone, you need to Love him or her in spirit, soul, and body. You reserve your body only for him/her and no one else, and you express you body only to him/her.
So, the gay married man is caught in a dilemma. He is married to a woman but finds he is sexually attracted to men. Most married men who discover they are gay statistically have no prior conscious gay feelings before the marriage. This is due to self-esteem development arrestment, low self-esteem finally dealt with and beginning to develop through the marriage and adult operations in business, parenthood and successes in life.
Statistically the gay married men who go on to divorce and living a fully, healthy and normal gay life are ONLY those who see being gay as MORE than having sex with men. The majority of men who have sex in parks and public restrooms are gay married men; they see it as sex only. The majority of gay married men who divorce as those who see sex last, who desire a long term committed relationship; further, out of Love they seek the best for their spouse in that which, in being gay, they cannot give.
began to realize that remaining married to my wife was not Godly Love. I could have sex with her still, even though attracted to men, but it would never be the deep binding sex between two persons in committed relationship it should be. If I loved my wife, then I needed to let her go sexually, to find a man who could Love her in this way I could never do. Further, I needed to let her go relationshiply. Being married to my wife was like being married to a sister, we were the best of friends, but there was not the bonding necessary and required in a marriage. So, I divorced out of Love for my wife, believing it best for her, even more than for myself, so she could go on and perhaps find a man who could Love her and bond with her in marriage as I, a gay man, could never do.
So, since the gay married man is in covenant with a woman, he has few choices as a Christian. He must remain faithful to his wife; he cannot have sex with men on the side, period, end of discussion. So, he either has to be celibate and not have sex with his wife, or he has to have sex with his wife.
To remain celibate and not have sex cannot be a decision for the gay man alone, this involves her. If she cannot live a life married to a gay man and the two not have sex together, and not be satisfied with affection alone like experienced by couples who have physical challenges, then you have a real problem. You have to walk in Love here, showing Love for her needs as well as your own.
To remain married and continue to have sex with the wife means the sex must be to the level of being mutually rewarding and satisfying, rewarding and satisfying spiritually, emotionally and intellectually, as well as physically. Sex is a sharing thing and if the sharing is blocked, then you got a real problem. You have to walk in Love here, showing Love for each other in your sexuality.
 I cannot tell you what to do, either way, to be married or not. I can only tell you that in this situation, as in all aspects of life, you must use the Law of Love as a measure to determine if what is going on is right and for the best. If you cannot remain married and show Love for each other fully, then it is best to divorce, painful as it may be.
Divorce over sexuality does not have to be as ugly as divorce between persons who cant stand each other, hate each other, etc. Even in divorce, you remain Christian siblings to each other, and you have to keep that at the foremost. Divorce over sexuality as Christians can be done out of a motivation of Love for each other, a desire for the best for each other, and a time to help each other begin and build new lives separate from each other. If children are involved, you will be relating to each other for the rest of your lives because of them, and so you have to have a good relationship. You can divorce out of Love.
If you divorce, it is your responsibility to remain Christ-like in your dealings with her. She shall respond as she responds, you cannot control that. But, you can affect it and give the opportunity for it to be the best it can be in how you treat her. It is important to reinforce to her that you remain the same person you ever were, kind and caring, devoted and dedicated, if you ever were and I hope you are, if not that's another letter. Reinforce to her that you Love her and are doing this for her, not yourself. Yes, you are doing it for yourself in a way, of course, but you need to help her, set her up in her life, being a woman in this sexist society, she will have a difficult time getting established with financial independence, etc. be a good brother in the Lord.
Do everything in Love, measure everything by Love, live in Love, be Love. Period. End of discussion.
Again, thank you for writing. I wash your feet. Peace and hugs, Ben
See Also: Autobiography Gay and Married, Gay and Married, Books - Gay, Lesbian and Married, My Dad is Gay, Should I Come Out?>, Coming Out, Beyond Coming Out, Books - Coming Out as Gay and Lesbian, Books - Gay and Lesbian Parenting, Coming Out Links, Parenting and Family Links, Families Joined By Love: Books, Resources, and Community for LGBT Families.
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