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This Page - Gay Christian, Gay Christians, Lesbian Christians open advice letters on is change possible, I think I might be gay, and more.
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THE CAUSE
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(Common Letters And Replies: What Is Gay, Understanding Scripture, Gay Stereotypes, Is Change Possible, Coming Out, My Spouse Is Gay, Battered Spouse, Sex, Relationship, Masturbation, Pornography, Finding A Church, Afraid Of Rejection, Being Found Out, Does God Reject Me, My Parent Is Gay, A Spouse Leaves, Church Problems, Ben You’re Cute, etc.)
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Gay
Christian Online
Michelangelo
"Ignudo"
Sistine Chapel |  |
 receive letters from all over the world. I personally answer every letter I receive, positive or negative. You may write me if you wish, I welcome your letters.
| Many letters I receive are requests for information or referrals to resources, requests for advice on life, questions from people trying to understand themselves and others around them; sometimes I just get letters from people hurting, needing someone to listen and care. |  |
I also receive mail from people who show respect in their disagreements. Sadly, some other letters I receive are not very respectful.
 o, I decided to share with you some of the common responses I give to people who write to me (their real names and detailed circumstances have been changed), so you might be able to learn and grow from them as I have.
Whether to you who are supportive, you who have troubles, or you who don't understand or oppose: I electronically wash your feet.
Peace and Hugs. Thanks. Ben
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Dear Ben,
I used to be gay, but now I am straight. I went through a Christian center that helped me change. If you want, God can change you, too. You don’t have to be gay. Thanks. Mike
Dear Mike,
Thanks for writing and sharing. I greatly appreciate it and you. I surprise a lot of people by saying I believe there are many people who are "gay" not because it is God's plan for their lives, not because it is their true sexual orientation, but because of some dysfunction within their life development and processes. Just as there can be heterosexual sexual dysfunction, so can there be homosexual sexual dysfunction. I believe people can change their sexual practices or warp their sexual orientation into that which is not Love or not for the best, not according to their true nature.
That’s the key, not according to their true nature. To say a homosexual can change, you have to equally say a heterosexual can change. If I ask a straight person to change to gay, the reaction would be strong, so foreign, so opposite from normalcy to the person. But, somehow we tell gay people to change, and are surprised when they reply equally strongly. Just as there are a lot of gay people trying to pretend to be straight, there are some straights wrongly living as gay.
Sexual orientation is not based on sexual experience. You can be a virgin and still be straight, or gay. Orientation is not based on the gender with whom you are sexually attracted, but rather relationship attracted. Sex is not the issue, but falling in love and desiring to abide in lifelong monogamous relationship, whether gay or straight.
 In reality, when you look at the many case histories of people who claim to be "cured," who have "switched" from being homosexual to heterosexual, the products of "reparative therapy," their life histories often show childhood and/or adolescence gender confusion and/or sexual identity dysfunction. Often, when you look at people claiming change, in reality they were always heterosexual, just finally healed from gender and/or sexual identity or orientation confusion. Some of them, further, were often abused sexually as a child and internalized this trauma, or who somehow grew into some sexual, gender or identity dysfunction which caused them to engage in negative, not positive, sexual behaviors. Victims of sexual or gender abuse, trauma, or confusion does not determine sexual orientation, but rather can dysfunction the orientation and lead to negative behaviors.
Statistics show in the long run a majority of reparative therapy clients fail to change, and often end up more psychologically harmed. Such therapies often use their "cures" to further their political or social agendas, and use out-dated gender therapy and stereotypical models and techniques. For those who suffer from legitimate sexual orientation dysfunction, I recommend spiritual counseling from a trained professional.
Christ’s Law of Love does not want us to be someone we are not, nor live life less than God desires. So, if you are finally yourself, I rejoice with you. However, if you are in denial, trying to be someone other than your real self, I morn, and will not be surprised when you write me back again someday asking for help. Thanks for writing. The only change I desire to make is to become even more like Jesus. I wash your feet. Peace and hugs, Ben.
See Also: Ex-Gay Ministries Resources.
 | to chat about changing sexual orientation. |
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Dear Ben,
I find myself sexually attracted to guys sometimes, but I also like women. Does that mean I am gay? Bisexual? How can I tell or know? Thanks, Phil
Dear Phil,
Thanks for writing and being willing to share. I appreciate it and you. I noticed you wrote, "sexually attracted." You can have a "crush" or romantic interest with someone of the same gender. You can prefer to have friendships and hang around with only members of the same gender. You can like hobbies, interests, or occupations that are considered socially more common of the opposite gender. You can be sexually attracted to someone of the same gender. Any of these things, and/or having or desiring sex with someone of the same or opposite gender, does not determine nor prove your sexual orientation. I found a definition I think helps clarify just what is sexual orientation, and can help you better know yourself. It is...
"Sexual orientation is determined not by the gender towards whom you are sexually attracted, but rather the gender towards whom you are relationship attracted."
 So, the deeper question to ask yourself is, "With whom do I desire to fall in love and abide with in relationship?" If you are capable of equal sexual attraction of both genders, then you are not necessarily bisexual. If you were relationship attracted to someone of the opposite gender, then you would be of that orientation. If you also found you were sexually attracted to someone of the same gender, you would still be of that orientation, but acknowledging you have same-sex sexual attractions. If you were relationship attracted to someone of the same gender, then you would be of that orientation. If you also found you were sexually attracted to someone of the opposite gender, you would still be of that orientation, but acknowledging you have opposite gender sexual attractions. If you were capable of equal relationship attraction of both genders, then you would be bisexual.
Even if you never have a relationship with someone, your inner orientation remains, is a part of who you are, and how you approach life. Knowing who you are, you now have the freedom to choose how to express yourself both regarding relationship and sexually. You can do it within or outside of Christ's Law, His Law of Love. His Love does not want you to make choices that do not edify yourself or others, abusing self and other people; does not want you to be someone you are not, compromise yourself; nor, accept a life less abundant than you can possibly make in this world, be pro-active. This same Law of Love applies to all other aspects of your life and being, too. Follow it.
As you walk in Christ, and His Law, your being will reflect Him, and you will better desire and be capable of making good, healthy, positive and responsible choices for yourself. In addition, your sexual orientation and sexuality will fall naturally into place, their proper expression and position, without having to really think about them. Who you are in total will guide who you are in your sexual orientation.
Again, thanks for writing. Peace and Hugs, Ben
See Also: Autobiography, Misinformation About Homosexuality, Ethics, Sexual Ethics.
| to chat about your sexual orientation. |
 | ext page for open letters on is gay sex wrong, and how to interpret Scripture... |
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