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This Page - Gay Christian, Gay Christians, Lesbian Christians open advice letters on what does being gay mean, a religious spouse leaves, and more.
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THE CAUSE
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THE CAUSE
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(What Makes Someone Gay or Lesbian; Theories and Causes Explored; The Real Cause Finally Revealed)
THE
"SPOT THE GAY"
GAME
(How to Tell If "Someone" Is Gay or Lesbian - Game One; How to Tell If "You" Are Gay or Lesbian - Game Two)
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(Common Letters And Replies: What Is Gay, Understanding Scripture, Gay Stereotypes, Is Change Possible, Coming Out, My Spouse Is Gay, Battered Spouse, Sex, Relationship, Masturbation, Pornography, Finding A Church, Afraid Of Rejection, Being Found Out, Does God Reject Me, My Parent Is Gay, A Spouse Leaves, Church Problems, Ben You’re Cute, etc.)
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Gay
Christian Online
Michelangelo
"Ignudo"
Sistine Chapel |  |
 receive letters from all over the world. I personally answer every letter I receive, positive or negative. You may write me if you wish, I welcome your letters.
| Many letters I receive are requests for information or referrals to resources, requests for advice on life, questions from people trying to understand themselves and others around them; sometimes I just get letters from people hurting, needing someone to listen and care. |  |
I also receive mail from people who show respect in their disagreements. Sadly, some other letters I receive are not very respectful.
 o, I decided to share with you some of the common responses I give to people who write to me (their real names and detailed circumstances have been changed), so you might be able to learn and grow from them as I have.
Whether to you who are supportive, you who have troubles, or you who don't understand or oppose: I electronically wash your feet.
Peace and Hugs. Thanks. Ben
 HOME
Dear Ben,
What does gay mean? Thanks, Becky
Dear Becky,
Thanks for writing. I appreciate it and you. Your question is kind of open and vague. So, I shall try to answer it broadly, cover it from different angles.
Unlike a lot of people, I do not believe the "definition" of being gay or homosexual is the same gender as you to whom you are sexually attracted, but rather the same gender as you to whom to are relationship attracted. Being gay means you are relationship attracted to someone of the same gender as you.
Being gay involves more than sexual activity, although often that is all some people see in gay people, and they assume, and assume wrongly what that activity encompasses. Being gay involves falling in love with someone, just like straight, heterosexual, people do, and desiring to settle down and abide in lifelong relationship with that person.
Being gay is no more an issue than being straight. It only becomes an issue when it is out of balance, or it is exclusively seen outside of the rest of what makes us who we are, or when it is operating out of dysfunction or outside of Christ’s Law of Love. Sexual orientation is a non-issue. It is an issue to some people because of prejudices, inability to see diversity and variety in God’s creation, or because of misinformation, fears, insecurities, denial, etc.
 Being gay isn’t a lifestyle, it’s a life, and only a small part of it, not that in which we get our identity or purpose, for that is reserved for Christ. Being gay isn’t a choice. If it were it would mean straight people would be just as capable of changing to gay as gay to straight. If you asked a straight person to "choose" to be gay, it would seem very foreign, unnatural, strange, and maybe even repugnant. But, for some reason, some people dismiss this same way gay people would feel if they were forced or encouraged to change to straight. Gay people don’t want special rights, they just want to be left alone to live their lives responsibly and with dignity, and for people to give them the same respect, value, and recognition as persons of inherent worth and value as everyone else. Gay people do not recruit children or anyone else. Gay people appear randomly in every family home, culture, religion, and lifestyle. Gay people appear in homes peppered with mostly heterosexuals, so being around gay people will not cause a straight person to turn gay. Being gay is no more a sin that being heterosexual, but both can operate in their sexuality sinfully if they walk in their sexuality outside of Christ’s Law of Love.
Someone who is gay often doesn’t have positive role models in life or society by which to learn and pattern oneself positively. Thus, a lot of gay people wrestle with dysfunctions, self-esteem and self-acceptance problems. Some of them, like some heterosexuals, over emphasize their sexuality until it becomes their focus, and in so doing they lose their truer selves. They embrace the world of easy sex without responsibility.
Being gay is not our identity. Michaelangelo was not a gay sculptor, he was a sculptor who happened to be gay. Further, I doubt he ever dressed in drag. Leonardo da Vinci was not a gay painter and inventor, he was a painter and inventor who happened to be gay. Further, I doubt he was into leather S&M, nor submitted ads in personal columns advertising himself as "straight acting." The gay people who live in bars, dress in drag, act outrageously, wear extreme leather clothing, are involved in S&M, frequent bath houses, sex clubs, engage in continual "one night stands," etc. are a very vocal minority. These are people who are immature, insecure, angry with themselves and society, dysfunctional in their lives and arrested in their development. This is the representation people see in the media, and they are no more representative of the gay community as Nevada legal houses of prostitution are representative of heterosexuality. Demanding civil rights, their "in your face" attitudes and actions do everything possible to ensure a rejection of equality. Martin Luther King, Jr., spoke words of dignified non-violence, stressing the commonality of divergent races and cultures of peoples, and he rallied speakers who represented the best of people, not the worst. I won’t even comment about the dominance of this vocal minority at gay pride parades and other activities.
What’s sad is so many people see this vocal minority, and falsely believe it representative of what it means to be gay. Someone newly coming out of the closet may mistakenly believe this falsehood and jump in with both feet, trying to become like them. Or, sadder still, someone newly coming out may withdrawn further into the closet, fearing that if this is what being gay is, then they don’t want any part of it, enduring even more years of self-loathing.
 The truth is most gay people are very dull, and boringly normal. They live next door to you, either single or as couples. They watch the same TV shows, wave at you while barbequing on the weekends, pick up your mail for you, raise their children, mow their grass, sit in the next office, attend your church, eat the same foods, work as teachers or on construction jobs or are florists and priests, cry when they are hurt and laugh when they are happy. Such persons are just not very interesting to our media that needs excitement to attract viewers and subscribers. So, instead we see real or portrayed gay people who are effeminate, outrageous, out-of-control, promiscuous, addicted, or evil.
To be gay doesn’t mean to look, dress or act a certain way. If you happen to be someone who is gay, being gay means being you. It means being the same person you were the day before you came out to yourself as the day afterwards. It means being true to yourself, your life, your sexuality, your world and your God. It means being normal.
Being gay is being someone, a person, not a thing, not a group, not a movement. It means being your friend, your neighbor, your boss, your co-worker, your mother or father, brother or sister, aunt or uncle, cousin, nephew or niece. It means being your fellow brother or sister in Christ.
You might also want to explore these articles The Cause of Homosexuality (What Makes Someone Gay Or Lesbian), The "Spot The Gay" Game - How to Tell If Someone Is Gay or Lesbian.
Thanks for wanting to know. I wash your feet. Peace and hugs, Ben
See Also: Misinformation about Homosexuality, Being Christian in the Gay World, Books - The Lighter Side of Being Gay.
 | to chat about what it means to be gay. |
 HOME
Dear Ben,
My partner wants to break up with me because she thinks that she can't be a
Christian and be gay. What should I do? She says that she loves me. Thanks, Linda
Dear Linda,
Thanks for writing and sharing. I appreciate it and you.
I don’t know why, but for some reason, I get this situation from lesbian couples more than I do from gay male couples.
Rarely does this situation just suddenly appear. It's been buried, stewing about within your partner for a long time. It's now come to the surface. This situation isn't religious, isn't even about sexuality, but about self, how she sees and values herself.
The way I approach this is the same as the topic of the "other woman." She is "married" to a belief system that tells her she is unworthy and unacceptable. She wants to be accepted and loved. She believes she gains her value and worth through what she does. She thinks if she can just change, and be what she thinks is acceptable, then she will finally find inner peace, love, and acceptance. You and I know what Christ thinks of her, but she has to find that out for herself.
Meanwhile, you are the "other woman." You sit on the sideline, hoping she will leave the "marriage," and come fully to you. Sad, but true, rarely does the person ever leave the marriage for the other person. They want the best of both worlds. They want the acceptance of society and people, but have you on the side, too.
You cannot be involved with a married person; it's unhealthy, for both of you.
She has to determine where she wants to live, both physically, emotionally, and spiritually. She has to fully and finally come to the full revelation of who she is, what her value is, how it is achieved and maintained. She cannot live in both worlds.
You give her the choice to find herself, and then let her. If and when she does is up to her. In the meantime, you cannot sit around and wait. You have to get on with being you. You have to do what it takes to stand on your own feet, take care of your own self. You have to set healthy boundaries for yourself. One of those boundaries is a refusal to be involved with someone who cannot fully commit.
She isn't fully committed to you, and she needs to be told that, by your refusing to feed into her dysfunctions, or become an enabler to her. You refuse to rescue her. If you do, she will never fully grow up, never really learn what she needs to learn, and end up repeating it all with someone or somewhere else.
She needs a life example that it is acceptable to be yourself, an example of someone who takes care of herself, is positive about life, and lives it positively, and pro-actively. That person can be you. Whether she sees and embraces those truths, are her choices. You offer yourself, but you don't sit around and wait for her to come home.
You, the "other woman," in love, set healthy boundaries for yourself and her. If she comes home to you, or she remains "married," you must be love, to yourself, and to her. You cannot feed her unhealthy self-image, nor her dysfunctions. You must make choices that are edifying to you, and to her. In this case, part of those choices is setting a positive example for her to see, and giving her the freedom to either embrace that example, or not. Either way in her choices, you will be secure in and of yourself, which is most important.
Even if someone eventually leaves the "marriage," you cannot become the "rebound relationship." Therefore, I recommend people not get involved either with a married person, or someone newly "divorced." Give the newly divorced person space and time to fully find self. After time passes, and the person fully matures, you can better determine if this person is truly right for you.
These are tough decisions and choices, but love is sometimes tough. In the end, love always leads to our growth and edification. We don't often see this when we are in the midst of it all, but when we emerge on the other side, we see love's wisdom.
Again, thanks for writing. I wash your feet. Peace and hugs, Ben
See Also: Gay Christian Self-esteem.
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