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This Page - Gay Christian, Gay Christians, Lesbian Christians open advice letters on being used in a relationship, and nudity.
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Gay
Christian Online
Michelangelo
"Ignudo"
Sistine Chapel |  |
 receive letters from all over the world. I personally answer every letter I receive, positive or negative. You may write me if you wish, I welcome your letters.
| Many letters I receive are requests for information or referrals to resources, requests for advice on life, questions from people trying to understand themselves and others around them; sometimes I just get letters from people hurting, needing someone to listen and care. |  |
I also receive mail from people who show respect in their disagreements. Sadly, some other letters I receive are not very respectful.
 o, I decided to share with you some of the common responses I give to people who write to me (their real names and detailed circumstances have been changed), so you might be able to learn and grow from them as I have.
Whether to you who are supportive, you who have troubles, or you who don't understand or oppose: I electronically wash your feet.
Peace and Hugs. Thanks. Ben
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Dear Ben,
My partner left me after four years. We took out a loan together for our house, and I loaned him money to finish college; now, I'm left with all the bills, and he's driving a new car. I was suicidal over breaking up. He was not always faithful to me, but I loved him, and still do. That was two years ago, and now he wants to be friends again. I think he still loves me, too; we've even had sex again a few times. I want him again, don't think I could just be friends, can't live without him. I would appreciate your thoughts and ideas. Thanks, Frank
Dear Frank,
Thanks for writing and sharing. I appreciate it and you.
Sadly, yours is not the first letter I've received of a situation like this, and nor do I think yours shall be the last. Life is not always pretty or kind, and it is especially sad when it bites us in our hearts, where we love and want to be loved. I would think getting left with all the bills and debts would be enough to get a clue the former lover is bad news, but often it is not. The same is sadly often true of lovers who do not just hurt the other person emotionally or financially, but physically and verbally, too.
I care too much to just sit and pat your hand and say, "There, there." I want you equipped with the tools necessary for you to live the life you need and deserve. I might seem blunt, but in this type of situation bluntness to bring a person back to reality is sometimes necessary. So, "Just how high a cliff do you have to fall off of before you get a clue and move on from this person?"
No amount of logic, justifying bad behavior and making excuses for his abuse of you, nor living in some fantasy world of "romantic forever love" is going to change this nor him. Your former lover never really loved you; what might have seemed love, even to him, was not, not as Christ would define it. Leaving someone with debts to which both committed is not godly love, cheating sexually on a spouse is not godly love, taking no responsibility for one's actions is not godly love, pretending to be friends again to use you again is not godly love, either.
There is never justification for being suicidal over a breaking relationship; you are more than this relationship. Sure it hurts, but life moves on, and through Christ it has meaning and a future, and you can and shall move on, too. The fact you feel like you have no purpose without him, are willing to put up with his abuses tells me you need to do some work on your self-image, self-worth, self-value. You should not "need" another person to feel complete, have purpose or meaning, nor to be fulfilled. You should find that within yourself, and through relationship with God. Therefore, I would strongly recommend you spend some time working on yourself, building and edifying yourself, learning how to love and accept yourself, and find meaning and purpose within yourself. You can do this best by furthering and deepening your relationship with God through Jesus Christ, learning of the unlimited depths of Their unconditional love and acceptance of you, and then applying that love and acceptance to yourself.
You may and should continue to socialize with positive and uplifting people, but do not get involved with someone romantically until you are more secure within yourself. Effective immediately, you should cut off all contact with your former partner, no friendship, nothing. Whatever attempts, intensity, and means he tries to connect with you, respond with equal force and dedication in running the other direction away from him. It is time you finally let him go, and move on. You shall be the better for doing so, learning how to finally stand maturely within yourself, and better able to understand and walk rightly in a future relationship.
Do not turn what has happened into a tool to beat up yourself, but learn positively what you can from it all, and move on from the rest. If you do not do these things, you may have the potential of further walking in inner and relationship immaturity, and repeating this again with another person of the same personality and temperament. You deserve better, and together in partnership with Christ, you can and shall. You have to break these patterns and cycles that do not edify you, and you do that by replacing them with those that do edify. You deserve love and to be loved in ways which build you up. You shall find them as you walk and grow in them within yourself, and in outreaching to serve others from the right relationship and perspectives.
Stay in touch; write me now and then of your progress. Peace and Hugs, Ben
A Special Note to Readers of This Letter...
If you identify with this letter, and you are in a relationship which is physically, sexually, or verbally abusive, if you feel trapped, have suicidal thoughts, I strongly recommend you immediately log off of this website, pick up the telephone, and call your local battered shelter, your health insurance counseling center, your local mental or medical health facility, or a close protecting clergyperson, friend, or family member. You need to instantly move NOW, and get into protection, whether you realize it or not. Do not make excuses for your lover's behaviors. You need and deserve better, and through help you can find it. My deepest love and prayers, Ben
See Also: Gay Christian Self-esteem and Gay Christian Relationships.
 | to chat about being abused in a relationship, an abusive relationship. |
 HOME
Dear Ben,
I belong to a gym. The other day, while in the shower, the man next to me had an erection. This is not the first time it has happened. I did not know if he was interested in me or not. The last time it happened, he saw me looking at him, got mad and left. Sometimes, I see guys hugging each other, slapping each other on the butt, or walking in front of me totally naked in the locker room. Does it mean something? I am confused. Any ideas or suggestions would be great. Thanks, Tim
Dear Tim,
Do not stare. Nudity is a part of gym life. You are in an environment devoted to the human body, health, and fitness. It is common to see and be around naked people, even of the opposite gender. A woman may accidentally expose a breast while lifting weights; you may see a guy wearing shorts lying on a bench, accidentally see up the leg a little bit more than he was planning to reveal. At my gym, the woman desk clerk went to retrieve towels from the locker room, thinking it was empty, and saw me naked. No matter how well you wrap a towel, it may fall off. Some people are naturally or culturally shy, are never completely naked in the locker room, other people are way too comfortable being naked and walk around a bit too much. Some gym locker rooms, showers, whirlpools, saunas, and steam rooms, are set up for use naked, others are not; some are mixed gender use, some same gender only. You can admire, be inspired by, even compliment someone's naked body, but do not stare. I have had conversations in the locker room while nude with other nude men; the focus is on the conversation, nothing more. Try to keep your thoughts above the waist (or above the neck for the women reading this reply).
It is not uncommon for men to get an erection while working out, or in the locker room. The rubbing friction from gym clothes while riding a stationary bicycle, lifting weights, soaping and drying off in the shower may cause it. It has happened to me, and I have seen it happen to other men, too. It is normal; so do not be embarrassed. If you see it, do not assume nor read into it what may not be there.
I can understand how being nude in a gym can be difficult for someone who is gay or lesbian; perhaps, more difficult for gay men, since men in general may be more visually stimulated than women (someone who is straight is not able to change clothes in the locker room of people of the opposite sex). So, here you are, in a gym, wanting to work out, develop your body, and all around you are very good looking bodies, often parading naked in front of you, of the same gender.
It is important to remember, unless you are in an actual gay (or lesbian) gym, the majority of people in the gym and locker rooms are straight, heterosexual, not gay or lesbian, homosexual. People tell me stories similar to yours, wondering if it means something. In most all cases, it does not. Whatever nudity happens, whatever supposedly sexual things happen, they should not be misunderstood or misconstrued.
This confusion is similar, in many respects, to experiences of gay male adolescence. Some adolescent teenage young men sometimes briefly "play" with each other, part of learning about themselves, their bodies, and each other. They quickly move on to developing friendships and dating the opposite sex. What about the gay teenager, who took part in the same activity? He may confuse what happened with love, thinking the person was actually interested in him, wanting to date him, etc. So, it is important to keep things in perspective, not read into the event more than it really is.
European, Australians, South Americans, and African gays and lesbians find this whole topic amusing; for them, culturally, nudity is not unusual, nor a problem. They often share the same bathrooms and dressing areas, families are nude at the beach, and shampoo and soap television commercials or advertisements show the whole naked body. They are able to view the naked body for its artistic beauty, health, and vitality separate from anything sexual or sexually stimulating. North Americans, Asians, and Middle Easterners have more difficulty doing this, culturally are not exposed to very much nudity, see nudity as sexual or something taboo. Each of the pictures used in my website were chosen specifically to emphasize the points discussed, religious classical art, or as an example of some health or physical work out activity. Yet, people write me complaining about naked pictures, or they write and ask me if I will send them a picture because they think the person in the picture is "hot."
What you read or see in a picture, or your gym and locker room is your choice. You should be able to make the right responsible choice and recognize where you are, why you and others are in the gym and locker room, and keep things in perspective. If you cannot, then you might need to do some rethinking about your values and ethics, and maybe some dysfunctions or hang-ups you have acquired.
Admire and honor what you see, be respectful of others, who they are, and why they are at the gym, too. Learn to be able to view nudity, wherever you see it, within its implied perspective; whether it be sexual or not, be responsible in your reactions. Write again if you have further questions or situations. Peace and Hugs, Ben
See Also: Gay Christian Athletics - My Athletic Life. Gay Christian Athletics - Gym Nudity.
| to chat about nudity. |
 | ext page for open letters on defining sexual orientation, and accepting a gay child... |
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