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This Page - Gay Christian, Gay Christians, Lesbian Christians open advice letters on defining sexual orientation, accepting a gay child.
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Gay
Christian Online
Michelangelo
"Ignudo"
Sistine Chapel |  |
 receive letters from all over the world. I personally answer every letter I receive, positive or negative. You may write me if you wish, I welcome your letters.
| Many letters I receive are requests for information or referrals to resources, requests for advice on life, questions from people trying to understand themselves and others around them; sometimes I just get letters from people hurting, needing someone to listen and care. |  |
I also receive mail from people who show respect in their disagreements. Sadly, some other letters I receive are not very respectful.
 o, I decided to share with you some of the common responses I give to people who write to me (their real names and detailed circumstances have been changed), so you might be able to learn and grow from them as I have.
Whether to you who are supportive, you who have troubles, or you who don't understand or oppose: I electronically wash your feet.
Peace and Hugs. Thanks. Ben
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Dear Ben,
I have a friend who was married for several years to an abusive man; she finally divorced. Then, she suddenly declared she's a lesbian, and moved in with a woman. In all our years of friendship I never saw any signs of her being gay, never heard her speak positively about the subject, nor show interest in anyone of the same gender. I am worried for her. Can you help me understand? Thanks, Latisha
Dear Latisha,
Thanks for writing and sharing. I am touched by your love, friendship, and concern for your friend. Your willingness to remain by her side, through all her difficulties, is a positive force for her healing.
 I find it interesting so many straight people know so little about understanding their own sexual orientation; if they did, they might better understand gays and lesbians. I sincerely doubt most straight people desire to marry someone of the opposite sex just for a guarantee of sexual intercourse for the rest of their lives; instead, they marry because they desire relationship and family. Sex is a part of the total bonding, but it is not the defining foundation to their decision nor life. Many straight, gay, and lesbian people wrongly see orientation as something merely sexual, or having only to do with having sex. However, the same background, feelings, formation, determination, desires, goals, and direction exist for both the majority of gays and lesbians as for straight people. Sort through all the stereotypes, misunderstandings, shallowness, and triviality you will find gays and lesbians desire relationship as much as straight persons.
So, it is important and helpful to understand the more "true" definition of sexual orientation. It is defined not as "the gender with whom you desire to have sex, but rather the gender with whom you desire to abide with in life-long relationship." Therefore, it is possible for a person to be sexually aroused and/or attracted to someone of the same gender, yet be actually straight in relationship sexual orientation. Such a person is not "bisexual;" a true bisexual is not someone who can be aroused by and have sexual activity with either gender, but rather someone who could actually abide in a relationship with either gender. Instead, this person would be someone who is straight in sexual orientation, but also capable of being sexually aroused by someone of the same gender. Such could also be the case of someone who is homosexual in sexual orientation, and also capable of being sexually aroused or able to have sexual relations with someone of the opposite gender.
I, for example, fall into this category. I was married for many years, fathered a son. Yet, in marriage I never felt the bonding I saw within straight married couples; I felt like I was married to a best friend, or "sister." I was able to have satisfying sexual relations with my wife, but never felt any full emotional and spiritual bonding with her. Only after our divorce, my coming out, and entering into relationship with my male life partner did I finally feel the full bonding. To this day, I am perfectly capable of having sexual relations with a woman; the idea is not "icky" to me, as it may be to some gay men. I have no issues with women; I enjoy their friendship. However, the idea of being in a relationship with a woman ever again? Shudder. HaHa.
Having said all this, at this time neither you nor I cannot determine whether or not your friend is lesbian. Honestly, in counseling the issue of whether or not a woman is lesbian can prove more unsure than for a gay man. Very few men in abusive marriages divorce, and suddenly decide to "become" gay. Even men who are capable of sexual relations with men, but are straight in orientation, generally move on to a relationship with a woman, not with a gay man. Due to the nurturing and caring nature of women in general, this aspect can sometimes cloud the vision of a woman, hijacking her from properly dealing with her abuse history, and moving on to a healthy relationship with a man. This is totally different from a true lesbian, who knows herself, and walks rightly in her orientation.
My recommendation is to continue as you are doing, being a supportive and active friend. Through this, and now equipped with a better understanding of the true definition of sexual orientation, with time you will be able to discern the sexual orientation of your friend. If it proves she is actually straight, but has become detoured in a dysfunctional lesbian situation, you can responsibly and professionally advice her, and perhaps assist her to seek and receive professional counseling. If it proves she is actually lesbian, you can responsibly and professionally encourage her to grow and mature, and, if needed, assist her to seek and receive professional counseling, too.
You might also want to explore these articles The Cause of Homosexuality (What Makes Someone Gay Or Lesbian), The "Spot The Gay" Game - How to Tell If Someone Is Gay or Lesbian.
I praise you for your love for your friend. Peace and hugs, Ben
See Also: Gay Christian Autobiography.
 | to chat about defining sexual orientation. |
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Dear Ben,
My son told me he was gay six years ago. I believe it is wrong, a sin, and told him my views. Since then, he and his "friend" live and work far away, and he now declines our invitations to come home for the holidays and family gatherings. He no longer goes to church anymore, too. I really have difficulty dealing with this gay stuff. I'd appreciate any suggestions you have. Thanks, Rebecca
Dear Rebecca,
Here is an interesting comparison. A Christian mother who rides a bus every weekend to visit with her son in prison, even though she knows he killed someone. A Christian mother trying to save her gay son by telling him his life is unacceptable. Which mother was Jesus to her son?
Like the Pharisees of Christ's time, today many Christians are religious, pious, strict followers of the laws of God. But, Jesus said they are clueless about the deeper things of God; they know a lot about religion and law, but nothing about relationship, family, love, and grace. They think they are doing God's work in pointing out the flaws in others, and separating themselves to keep themselves pure.
But, Jesus ate with everyone, sinners, saints, and hypocrites. People who say they "love the sinner, but hate the sin," usually do not. If they did, they would have the sinner in their home, at their dinner table, in their hearts. But, if they did that, they think they would be condoning, and risk contamination. In their duty to point out sin, they fail to see their own.
 Why should your son come home for the holidays? Through your religion, you told him you do not accept him, and made him think God does not love or accept him, either. In obsessing about your son's supposed sin, you fail to see your own. You think the issue is your son's sexuality; you have a deeper problem, relationship. You had no business telling your son his life is wrong; it is the Holy Spirit who convicts of sin and righteousness, not you or me. All you accomplished was putting a wedge between you, him, and God. You were called to be your son's parent. In thinking you were doing right to point out your son's errors, you broke relationship with him, and caused him to abandon the Christian faith. Yes, he is responsible for his actions and choices, but like Christ said, "Woe to those who cause little ones to stumble..."
In telling your son you do not accept his sexual orientation, he heard and thinks you said you do not accept "him." How would you feel if your mother told you your lifestyle and husband choice was wrong? You would think your mother did not approve of what you do and who you are. No matter what words you say to the contrary, he will continue to feel this way until your actions say otherwise. Your actions, not your words, will finally prove to your son you really love and accept him, without condition, just as Christ loves and accepts him.
Repent of this wall of separation you have created. Be willing to do the work necessary to restore relationship. Accept and love, without condition, your son, and allow him and his lover (not "friend") into your home and heart. This relationship issue between you and your son is more important than the sexuality issue; addressing the relationship issue is the key to any progress on the sexuality issue.
Through restored relationship, you will be a Christ-like example to your son, whereby he will begin to see that God loves and accepts him. Through your son's restored relationship with God, God and he will be able to deal with any issues or problems he might have with his sexuality, if any; through your restored relationship with your son, and your better understanding of how Jesus loves and accepts, you will be able to handle any issues or problems you have with your son's sexuality.
It is your responsibility to make the first move towards your son. Get on the bus and travel to where your son is, free both you and your son from the prison you have created for yourselves. Finally, be a mother and Jesus to your son.
Thank you for writing. Peace, Ben
See Also: A Page For Straight People, True Verses False Christianity, How To Be A Gay Christian.
| to chat about accepting a gay son or daughter. |
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