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This Page - Gay Christian, Gay Christians, Lesbian Christians relationships article following Jesus, the challenge and responsibility of relationships.
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Jesus told us to love our enemies. Matthew 5:44. This does not mean let them walk all of you, use you as a doormat. It means attempting to break down the barrier(s) between you, to restore fellowship, to see in each other your common humanity, and connectedness as family members. Sometimes, this means turning the other cheek, in passive resistance to their hate in order to convict them, make them uncomfortable in their error, and change them. Sometimes, it means putting yourself in their shoes, seeing the hurt and pain in their lives that drive their hate; this is not an excuse for their behaviors, nor justifies their actions, but rather just helps explain them, so you can figure out how to change them. Love is never just warm and fuzzy; it is pro-active, pushing towards change, restoration, growth, and newness of life. It means asking your enemy to break bread with you, invite him into not just your home and to your table, but into your life, too. Romans 12:20. The Apostle John said, “Perfect love casts out fear;” the opposite of love is not hate but fear. Of what is your enemy afraid? Find out, and fill it and that person with love, and barriers will begin to fall. Leviticus 19:17; Proverbs 10:12, 24:17, 25:21; I John 2:9, 3:15, 4:18. Sometimes we can be the enemy of others, often without knowing it, or meaning it. Jesus said, “...when you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember your brother (or sister) has something against you: leave your gift at the altar, and go your way, first be reconciled to your brother (or sister), and then come and offer your gift.” Matthew 21-26. My best friend was like a sister to me, and she was the Maid of Honor at my wedding. She never married, struggled with her weight, and lived with her mother. I always felt she was unhappy, and as the years passed I began to see a growing critical spirit in her, telling other people what was wrong with their lives, because I thought deep down she was unhappy with her own life. Years later, when I divorced and came out as gay, she objected strongly, continually telling me I was deceived, wrong, and in sin. I tried to explain I was the same person she had always known, that nothing had changed, especially in my relationship with Jesus, and even with her. When I was anywhere she was around, she would leave. One day I received a heavy envelope in the mail, obviously several pages, and I guessed it was another continuation of her arguments. I did not open it, marked “return to sender” on the envelope, and mailed it back to her. I never saw her again. Every year, I faithfully sent her either a birthday or Christmas card, a small note within of my continual love and acceptance of her. I never received any replies. In the tenth year, I wrote inside my Christmas card, “...celebrating ten years of attempting reconciliation,” and cited those words of Jesus. A few days later, I received a heavy envelope in the mail from her. I was excited; finally she had written me back. But, when I opened it, within I found the same original letter she mailed ten years earlier, still in the same “return to sender” unopened envelope. This time I opened the envelope and read the letter. It contained all kinds of misinformation, both about being gay, and about myself. What kind of a person keeps a letter for ten years? On the one hand, that sounds really weird, almost downright sick. But, in thinking of it from her perspective, she kept it because she believes she “loves” me enough to not lose the argument, waiting for the day that I would surrender to her “rightness.” In some odd way, she still loves me, but her type of love is based on conditions, conditional acceptance; God’s love is unconditional, and tears down barriers. But, I am not completely innocent, either. Looking back, I realize it was wrong of me to originally send the letter back, doing so did nothing to further our relationship or communication with each other; I, also, created barriers between us. Yes, even I am human. My birthday and Christmas cards were love motivated, my attempts to undo the damages between us; I was trying to reconcile, whereas she had done nothing over the years to do the same back, unless you count, from her perspective, sending her letter the second time. Can reconciliation be on “terms,” only if one or the other gives in, or jumps through certain hoops? Is it when both lay down their arms completely, and are open, bare, and transparent to each other? Or, is it when you are willing to stand transparent, knowing the other still has the power to physically or emotionally harm you, willing to lay down your life for… your still stubborn friend. I started to write a letter back to her, defending myself, explaining what I am, what I have done and accomplished over the years, the things I have learned. But, I hesitated. To this day, I still do not know quite what to do. Now and then, I try to think of a creative way to connect with her. But, I have “attempted” reconciliation; it is not like I have not tried at all, right? We are not to spend the rest of our lives beating a dead horse, but when is the horse really dead? Jesus said, “...and whosoever does not receive you, nor hear your words, when you leave that house or city shake their dust from off your feet.” Matthew 10:5-42 (interestingly, Jesus also says that on the Day of Judgment they will be held to a higher account than the cities of Sodom and Gomorrha, which are the two cities that were composed of nothing but supposedly sinful gays and lesbians). In other words, do not take with you anything of them that will drag you down, cause you to despair or become dysfunctional because of their rejections. Attempt to reconcile with those who hate you, attempt, attempt, and attempt; but do not become a doormat for others to tread on, nor despair if your love is never accepted. Sadly, sometimes you cannot win, some people you cannot reconcile with, some enemies never become friends. But, it has to be their decision, not yours. You attempt, you try, you forgive, you try to be forgiven, that is the important thing; God will honor your attempts, and your love. So, you’re saying I have to love and forgive my father who threw me out of the house for being gay? Yes. I have to love and forgive my family for not allowing my life partner to come to my sister’s wedding? Yes. I have to forgive the man who raped me? Yes. I have to forgive the relative who sexually abused me when I was ten years old? Yes. I have to forgive my Church that I grew up in, but which rejected me when they found out I am a lesbian? Yes. You’re telling me I have to love and forgive the people who won’t love and accept me? Yes. I have to love the bullies at school that make fun of me, and pick on me? Yes. Everyone, and literally or figuratively wash their feet, too. Jesus said, “Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; That you may be the children of your Father (God) which is in Heaven: for God makes the sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the just and the unjust. For if you just love those who love you, what real reward do you have? Do not even those who hate you do that? Therefore, be compassionate, even as your God which is in Heaven is compassionate (like a mother for her child).” Matthew 5:44-45. No barriers, ever. While you are holding unforgiveness, bitterness, or anger towards a person, meanwhile that person is enjoying their life, perhaps knowing your feelings, or perhaps totally oblivious of them. Your life is on hold, while that person has one. Holding to such feelings, and memories do nothing positive and healthy for you, such things just bog you down, keep you chained, unable to move, grow, and fly. Such emotions and memories create barriers within yourself, making you unable to be all that you can be, making you define yourself by those people or those events. They create barriers between you and them, and between you and God. None of those barriers are healthy, edifying (build you up), positive, or responsible; they are not love. Because, you see... well, let me continue a little further, and then I will tell you why. Jesus said to give and it will be given to you. Luke 6:38. Religion sees this as a formula for getting more money, prosperity, and lots and lots of stuff. True Christianity sees this as giving without knowing what your left hand is doing from your right hand, Matthew 6:3, giving cheerfully without feeling obligated, giving beyond a set legal amount (tithe), and especially giving more than just money. It means giving you, and (sorry to make you upset again) it means giving ALL of you. Jesus said, “Greater love has no one than to lay down your life for your friends.” John 15:13. I mean really, could you take a bullet for some of the friends you know? More importantly, would they take a bullet for you? When all is said and done, if you lost everything, would there really be a friend around who would come to your assistance? Or are a lot of the supposed friends you know really more interested in themselves than they are in you? And if that isn’t bad enough, you are still commanded to love those that abandon you. Sigh. You just cannot win... well, actually you do. Jesus said that someday a lot of people are going to stand before Him and brag about the things they did for Him, did in His Name, lots of good works, trying hard to please, on and on. Jesus said He will reply, “I am sorry, but who are you? I do not KNOW you?” It seems people get half of the message, but not the whole message. Either they get the “love yourself” part, become their full self (or religiously strive to gain it somehow through endless work), or they get the “love your neighbor” part, serve and help people (sometimes in the false hope that if they are good enough, work hard enough, then God will accept them), but do not seem to get the whole message, “God, self, AND neighbor;” it is a package deal. Or, it is no deal at all, and you are just playing games with yourself, God, and people. Matthew 7:17-29. Hopefully, about now you are ready to throw this article, in its paperbound format or your computer monitor, against the wall. If so, then I am accomplishing my goal. It means you “get” the message, and know you have no choice but to follow Jesus. You may have accepted Jesus as your personal Lord and Savior, and you worship Him as your personal Lord and Savior, but do you follow Him? To follow Him means to do as He does, the things Jesus did made people worship, follow, and thank Him, but it also made some of them kill Him. There will be times when you will be challenged by the Holy Spirit, and by your own inner spirit, to do things you do not want to do, but know you need to do them, go places you would rather not see, and give of yourself more than you ever planned. You will spend the rest of your life loving, even those who will not love you, giving even when you seem to get nothing in return, accepting things and people that you once thought unacceptable, and tearing down barriers within yourself, within other people, between people, and in the world at large. But, do not despair, this challenge to follow, to love and to tear down ALL barriers is not impossible, not too hard a task to do and be. Jesus said, “Come to Me, all of you that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of Me; for I am meek, and lowly in heart: and you shall find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy, and My burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-29. Learn of Him, allow Him to guide and teach you to give, love, and serve. It is not as hard as it may seem. To follow and do these things are actually liberating, sets you free from fear, shame, or self-created limitations, allowing you to be all that you can be and do, so that you can set others just as free as yourself. My mother, who was an educator, used to say if she saw one student grow, or one student came up and said thank you at the end of the school year, it was enough to make her come back again the following year; she ended up teaching for forty years. The other ninety-nine sheep that lay around eating grass, looking all cute and fluffy are precious, have inherent value, and are wonderful, but the one sheep needing your help fills you with a reward and satisfaction greater than what you can get from the others combined. In my case, it was actually my faith in Jesus, seeing God as my Parent, Dad, Daddy, even Da-Da, and the foundation of true Christianity as love, acceptance, and family, that saved me, and set me free to fully accept and be myself, including my sexuality. But, for others, Christianity and certain Churches, disguised as religion, create a barrier, a barrier between them and God, and a barrier between them and themselves, unable to accept that God loves and accepts them, because they cannot accept their sexuality. You see the Church and Christians as hateful, hypocrites, and bigots. Hurt and rejected by the Church and Christians, you think and feel that God rejects and does not accept you, too. Yet, God, through His love, has really and truly set you free, no longer are you bound, such things have passed away. As the Apostle Paul once wrote, “…and such were some of you.” I Corinthians 6:11. In the past, you were hurt, used, confused, not accepting of yourself, not knowing really who you are, and maybe got involved in things that really were not in your best interests. Now free, how many people can you think of in your life that need the Good News? How many people need their feet washed? Who do you know that has been hurt by the Church that needs to know true Christianity? Who in your life needs to be set free, free to be fully gay or lesbian, AND fully walking in their sexual orientation in ways that edify them? Who is bound by self-hatred, self-denial, and suffer from low self-esteem? Who do you know who is eaten up by unforgiveness, bitter, or hateful? Who do you need to go to and seek their forgiveness? Who can you mentor, coach, and teach, to see them grow in life, in their particular gifts, talents, and callings? As you once were, and received healing, deliverance, grace, faith, and love, pay it forward to those who have not those things. The word “Christian” means “Christ-like,” or “little Christ.” To be “Christ-like” means to be and do what Jesus does and is. The word “Christian” was first used not by Christians themselves, they called what they were and did “The Way,” but given by non-Christians as a profanity, a cuss word, “...those damn Christians.” To follow Jesus is to become the ultimate revolutionary, refusing to bow to or accept disease, poverty, oppression, harm, fear, hate, racism, sexism, bigotry, war, inequality, loneliness, want, suffering, or hunger in either yourself or others. Following is not a cheerless task, grudgingly done out of duty. If you let your heart lead, you will be empowered with strength, wisdom, and a bottomless supply of love to change your life, and the world around you. Never giving in, never giving up, be creative, be industrious, teachable and teaching, healed and healing, receiving and giving, a light dispelling the darkness, knowing when you have done all, no matter what happens, in the end, down the road, you and those whom you touch… win. If you are lonely, if you feel isolated, if you want to feel better about yourself, or do not currently have an outlet for your talents, hobbies, and interests then following Jesus is just what you need. It can get frustrating trying to connect and find people, but no one is going to find you sitting at home, with the shades down, and the telephone turned off. You have to be visible. Jesus said not to hide your light under a box, but set it on a candlestick for all to see. Matthew 5:14-16. If you cannot find a place that allows you to flow in your individual gifts and talents, a place where you can serve and help others, then start your own. When people write and tell me they cannot find an open and accepting church in their area, I challenge them to move from “cannot” to “can.” I first challenge them to prove they have actually visited every church in their area. If they have, and still cannot find one, then be willing to drive to the next city, and search there. If you have searched high and low, and found none, even that is not the end. Post messages on bulletin boards and online, and start your own home based Bible Study or Prayer Group. Never give in; never give up. God has given each of us individual talents and gifts, and yours are just as important than mine. Each of us also has weaknesses, and others have the strengths to help us in our times of need. Together, we are family, each of us fitting into a larger network, each of us supporting and helping one another. A single stick is weak, but a bundle of sticks cannot be broken. Ecclesiastes 4:12; Romans 12:3-21. If you want true happiness, you are not going to find it in religious Christianity. It is a never ending rat race, always working and striving but never achieving, always tired, always exhausted. I believe the majority of those who get caught up in selfish Christianity are those who are looking for happiness, and think they will achieve it if they are good enough, or get enough from God. Stuff never buys happiness, having lots of stuff doesn’t make you happy, either. I wonder if the guy in the car, who was just told the people in the car in front of him paid his way, thought, “Wow, just as Jesus said, ‘Give and it will be given unto you;’” but, it never occurred to him to pay for the car behind him. He took his “reward,” and enjoyed it; he felt he deserved it because of all the “hard work” he had done for Jesus. Religious Christianity taught him if he gives ten dollars, he gets one hundred dollars back. He learned he deserves rewards for his investments and good works, and from those investments and the benefits he receives he can build a better life for himself, especially bigger and better than his competing neighbors. But, his religion never tells him of his responsibility for the cars behind him, to pay forward the amount from one hundred dollars he does not really “need.” The only things you can take to Heaven with you are not just your friends, but other people, too. There is nothing wrong with self-improvement, but self-improvement for the sake of self-improvement is empty and selfish; you are to self-improve to something, for something, it is not an end in and of itself. You are to grow, mature, and improve so that you can teach, mentor, coach, guide, and give to others that which you have received; doing this will give you the happiness you have always wanted. Pay it forward, or take your marbles and go home. There is no choice, either follow Jesus, or don’t. Either you are going to “get it,” or you are going to not get anything. Seek Jesus and His Kingdom, and everything you need shall be given to you. Seek what you need, and you may find it, find part of it, find none of it, BUT you will also never get Jesus, too. When you don’t “get” Jesus, His real message, you just don’t “get it,” are never completely whole, happy, centered, and at peace. Matthew 6:25-34. So, you are saying I should love and accept the drag queens who come to my church? Yes. What about the transsexuals? Yes. What about the prostitutes, the drug users, the alcoholics? Yes. Ah, but what about the people who say being gay is a sin, and try to block my civil rights? Yes. What about my sister who had an abortion? Yes. What about my ex-husband (or ex-partner) who beat me? Yes. The friend who refuses to be in the same room with me unless I change and become a straight person? Yes. My parents who made me go to one of those clinics that promise to make me into a straight person? Yes. The people who run those clinics? Yes. The boyfriend who stole money from me? Yes. The drunk driver who killed my brother? Yes. What about the guy who knows he did wrong but still refuses to admit it? Yes. What about my friend who just keeps repeating the same stupid things over and over again? Yes. Because, you see, and you better be sitting down, and holding on to something, it all boils down to this basic thing. Unless you are willing to follow Jesus, then your faith is in vain. Several years ago, as I thought on this, this sentence found its way into my heart, and from there to my mind; I have been both fascinated and terrified by it, as well as profoundly moved and in love with it. Are you ready? Here goes... “The measure (amount) of love you have for the person for whom you care the least, is actually the same measure of love you have for Jesus.” Get it? Got it? Good. “Jesus said, if you have My commandments and keep them, then you love Me; and in loving Me you shall be loved of My Father (God), and I will love you, and will manifest Myself to you. If you love Me you will keep my words: and My Father (God) will love you, and We will come to you, and make Our home in you. If you love me not, then you will not keep my sayings. The word you hear is not Mine, but the Father (God) who sent Me.” John 14:21, 23-24. “Let love be without making any distinctions or differences between you. Abhor that which is evil; cling to that which is good. Be kindly affectionate towards one another with sibling love for each other. Distribute to the necessities of the other members of the family of God; be open to practicing hospitality. Bless those who persecute you; bless, and curse not. Rejoice with those who rejoice, and cry with those who cry. Be of the same mind with one another. Don’t seek high-minded things, but look to people who are below you and need your help. Do not be wise in your own sight or mind. Do not repay evil for evil. Provide everything honestly to one another. If it can be possible, as much strength that is within you, try to live peaceably with everyone. Do not seek revenge, but rather leave it alone; for it is written, ‘Vengeance is Mine, I will repay, says the Lord.’ Therefore, if your enemy hungers, feed him or her; if your enemy is thirsty, give drink; for in so doing you will heap coals of fire on his head (convict him or her of their wrongdoing). Do not be overcome with evil, but overcome evil with good.” Romans 12:9-21. “Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God; and every one that loves is born of God, and knows God. If you do not love, you do not know God: for God is Love. Beloved, if God so loves us, then we ought to love one another. If we love one another, God lives in us, and God’s love is made perfect in us. If you say you love God, but hate your sibling, your friend, or the stranger, then you are a liar: for if you do not love him or her that you can see, how can you love God whom you have not seen? If you love God, you will love others, too. For this is the message you heard from the beginning, that you should love one another. Whoever hates someone is a murderer. Because Jesus laid down His life for us, we ought to lay down our lives for each other. Whoever sees someone else in need, and does nothing about it, how can the love of God be within that person? Let us not love just in word, nor just by what we say, but by what we do, and do truthfully. This is the commandment: That we should believe on the name of God’s Son Jesus Christ, AND love one another as Jesus commanded us to do.” I John 3:11-24, 4:7-21.
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