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This Page - Gay Christian, Gay Christians, Lesbian Christians healthy self-esteem, discussion on false guilt and shame, its development, self-hatred, and more.
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 s time has passed and as I have spent time assisting people in furthering their walk with Jesus it is my firm belief the majority of difficulties people experience regarding sexuality and sexual orientation really have nothing to do with these issues.
Rather, I believe they instead wrestle with self-love, self-image, self-acceptance, self-actualization and self-esteem. When these truer issues are addressed in Jesus Christ then the sexuality and sexual orientation will naturally and without effort fall into place and its proper holy expression.
Sometimes we think falsely about ourselves, and who we are. We develop a false image, and we falsely perceive who we are and what we do is unacceptable. Some of it is genuine, but much of it is not. False shame and guilt can affect the development processes of life, keep you from being set free and being the person Jesus and God desires you to be.
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 heorists believe your personality is basically formed by the age of four, five, or six years, and from then on you begin to walk in it. I agree with this to a point, but not completely. Many Christians quote the Apostle Paul, who said we are to be "renewed by the transforming of your mind," and "if anyone is in Christ, that person is a new creature, the old is passed away, behold, all has become new." They interpret this to mean you begin in Christ with a clean slate, a new blank life, upon which to begin anew. I, again, agree with this in part, but not completely. You can teach a dog new tricks, but you cannot make the dog into a cat.
 God is the God of New Beginnings, God has the power and abilities to make you into something special, but God desires to make you fully you, and not into someone else. God desires to strengthen you and cause you to grow and become the person you are meant to be, not become what others think, or even what you think. God desires to strengthen that which needs to be strengthened, add that which needs to be added, and remove that which needs to be removed to make you the person you are meant to be. God is your designer, and Who better to know who you are and what you are meant to be.
 God is the Potter and you are the clay. God doesn't make bad pottery. Some clay is formed into fine china, some clay is made into common everyday dishes; but all have purpose, all are special, all are unique and equal in God's eyes. You can serve caviar on both fine china and everyday dishes; you can also serve garbage on fine china and everyday dishes, too. You can even use both types not to serve food at all, but used instead to prop up a shelf, or hold paperclips. Each type is made for a divine purpose, but that purpose can become warped, misused or abused. Romans 9:19-23
I believe you begin to show forth your personality and abilities, your God given gifts and talents, at a young age. But, I also believe some of them may lie hidden, yet untapped. Others may for years be suppressed or denied because of life circumstances, other people, society and culture, or self-doubts. Still others may be warped or twisted into something they were never meant to be, also by circumstances, people, society and culture, or self.
I know many people who knew, at a very early age, they were "different;" perhaps this was you. Obviously, at such an early age, you didn't understand sexuality, but you somehow knew you didn't fit in with the more common culture around you. As time passed, you became aware of same sex feelings, maybe as early as six, or eight or twelve years of age you knew you were gay or lesbian. But, I know other people, I included, and maybe you, too, who didn't have same sex feelings at an early age, but who, nevertheless, did feel different, didn't feel like they "fit in."
 When I was in school, especially high school, I was ridiculed for being very tall and skinny; I also wasn't very athletic or coordinated. "String bean," they called me; "skinny, "nerd," and a host of other names, all very painful. Were you ever called "faggot," or "queer" or "sissy" or "dyke" or "butch" or similar negative words? I was. I didn't understand what it meant, but I understood it meant I didn't fit in, wasn't accepted by my peers. Years later, I shared this with my partner, and he replied, "Why did that bother you? Everyone wants to be skinny." But, I thought of it as negative, and so I internalized it as negative. With time, the outside of me reflected the bad, negative image inside of me; and I looked the part, I was the "skinny nerd" who carried a briefcase, worked in the Library, wore slacks and sweaters and very short hair when everyone else wore jeans and had long hair. Now looking the part, it became a self-fulfilling prophecy, a spiraling cycle of negativity, self-hate, self-rejection. Believing the lies around me, I became those lies. Thinking no one liked me, I made no effort to make friends, or to date. Thinking I was ugly, skinny, uncoordinated, I made no attempts at self-improvement. Thinking I was different, didn't fit in, I kept to myself.
False shames binds you; bad, unfounded guilt paralyzes you. It keeps you bound, unable to be what you are meant to be. False shame and unfounded guilt locks you into place, they prevent you from moving and progressing forward. False shame and needless guilt often becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy spiraling in a negative and self-defeating scene.
 False shame and negative guilt may make you strive for perfection, it did me for many years, the false belief if you erase any errors then you will find acceptance and happiness. But, we are human and God's perfection is made in our weaknesses. It may make you strive for performance, the false belief if you do well, are talented, smart, funny, successful, etc. then you will be Loved and accepted; I, too, followed this trap for many years. Luckily, I didn't fall into the spiral of blaming other people for my troubles, or hating or despising them, nor did I try to control people and my circumstances. Neither did I fall into the trap of blaming God for the way I was. But, I did also fall into the trap of withdrawal, probably the most common of defenses. Withdrawal can be physical or psychological.
False shame and unfounded bad negative guilt causes you to blame, blame self or sometimes God or life itself, but mostly self. It makes you continually analyze yourself, find fault with yourself, always looking, always judging, always, always. It makes you compare yourself to other people, create a false ideal impossible to create or grasp or on which to hold. It makes you doubt yourself, your ability to control yourself or your life, you feel devoid of strength, weak.
 | about guilt, shame, and self-image. |
See Also: I'm Afraid God Will Reject Me, I Hate Being Gay.
| nd false shame, and it's awful brother guilt, does even more; let's see... |
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